Letting go....

I feel so happy now... and I love it.
Last night I thought a lot.. and discovered some truths about myself that maybe I knew - but pushed to the back of my mind because I didn't want to know my faults.

People are depressed all over. Even people who seem really happy - are dying for something... a man, a job, or maybe they are just unhappy with how their life has turned out. I was living in depression. I think everyone does. We might let ourselves have a moment of happiness... but in the back of our minds we are thinking about how lonely we will be when we get home..... or when everyone leaves. Do we ever truely let ourselves be happy?

Sometimes I am such a pessimistic.... and I have to understand why before I can remedy it. I've been letting myself do what I dispise so much in other people. I criticize others for letting their previous problems be their reasons they do the things they do today. How they live their life is based on their past. But it's done. I can either let my childhood rule how I view the world. I can let it depress me every day and cry about how I don't have anyone to lean on... or I can overcome those problems and move on to a better life. It's now in my hands. Those years I lived with overbearing parents... fights.. yelling... pain... I HAD to live with that.... now it's MY LIFE to choose how I want to live. Yeah, I'm going to be sad from time to time... but that doesnt mean that I must in this depression I do now.... agonizing over each little thing. It's time to grow up.

I want to wake up with the sunlight hitting my face and birds reassuring me how great today is going to be. But I live in a black hole... so I do my best. I climb up the stairs through the tunnel of light and emerge into my paradise. A small one. One that others might scoff at. But for the moment, I love it... and I feel wonderful, which is all that matters.

I feel so elated right now I could fly. And I will, someday. But right now I will lay in a bed full of my mixed emotions..... figuring out who I am.